I just pynch a tree in the face
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
