I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
