omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
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