I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
i think my cat just said my name.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
