I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
