Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
