I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
All the doctor said was why
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
