if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
