Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
