he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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