The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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