i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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