I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
