Tell her she can't have a vagina
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize
