I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
