Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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