I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
