onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
