btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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