i'm lost and i look like a hooker
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
