Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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