Who did Billy Mays play for?
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
