you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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