your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
look no pants
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
