I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
