He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
