Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
