You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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