Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
