Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
