Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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