Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I just made out with a guy for $7.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Randomize
