I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
