if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
