I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
