What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
