Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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