Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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