He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i need an iv and a liver transplant
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
