Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Randomize
