So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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