i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
