Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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