Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Randomize
