I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
