cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
