Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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