Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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