then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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