When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
